Anger Management - Part-III: Anger in Parent-Children Relationship

Anger is the second of the six infamous vices that inflict the mind of human beings, the other five being desire, greed, attachment, pride and jealousy. Swami has spoken at length about the ill effects of anger and the intense need to control one’s anger. He says, “In our daily lives, we know that when we become angry, our nerves become weak and feeble and we lose grip over ourselves. Even a moment of anger takes away our strength that we gather by eating good food for three months. Anger not only debilitates us and takes away the merit of our good deeds, but also enfeebles our condition.” (Summer Showers - 1972). Swami says, “Anger is the fuel for all varieties of sin. Just look at yourself in a mirror, when you are attacked by anger, and you will discover that you are then akin to Soorpanakha (sister of king Ravana and granddaughter of the demoness Thataki) or Lankini (a powerful demoness who guarded the city of Lanka) of ancient times. The Rajo guna that is over-powering you then is the Raakshasa (demon) trait you must learn to avoid” (23 November 1966). Spiritual aspirants, specifically, need to control anger.

This post presents a compilation of various aspects of “Anger” expounded by Bhagawan in His Discourses. For ease of reading and understanding, it is presented in four parts. Part-I of the post starts with an introduction to anger and other related vices. It presents the need to eliminate anger from oneself. Part-II covers the various tips given by Bhagawan to control one’s anger. Part-III deals with anger in connection to the relationship between children and parents. The post ends with Part-IV that explains how God is beyond anger. Swami gives His own example to illustrate the need for patience and equanimity. He jokingly states that He does express anger at times, but it is nothing more than a modulation of voice with the pure intention of saving His devotees. The four audio excerpts in Part-III of this posting have been taken from the Discourses delivered by Bhagawan in the years 2000 and 2004. There is another excerpt from the Discourse delivered by Bhagawan in the year 1999 that has also been included in this part of the post, though the audio version is not available, and though it overlaps with Clip-4, because it offers certain further insights that are not covered in Clip-4.

Clip-1 explains how though parents, at times, seem to get angry with their children; it is only out of love and for the welfare of their children. In Clip-2 Bhagawan says that the parents-children relationship is only one of Love. Anger and differences, if any are only temporary. In Clip-3 Bhagawan advises children never to get angry with their parents as they are the very embodiment of love. Clip-4 presents the story of Draupadi, wherein she manifests the greatest forbearance ever shown by any mother, thus serving as an ideal role model for all mothers. Extract-5 overlaps with Clip-4 but offers certain further insights.

Each audio clip has a name that adopts the following code: Serial number, Title appropriate to the key content, Duration of the clip, Year-Month-Date of the Clip. Below the title is the translation in English of the select excerpt of the Discourse, followed by the audio player. The post ends with a short quiz that would help you evaluate your assimilation of Bhagawan's Message from these extracts.  

Note: Those receiving this blog by email may see words bunched together due to a technical glitch. That is beyond my control. Please click on link at the top of the email to read the blog directly. Sorry about this. If anyone has a solution to this please help me out.

01-Sometimes parents appear to be angry-It is situational-For welfare of children-3.52-2004 September 18

Parents only appear to be Angry
Image Source

In some circumstances it may appear as though the parents are angry with their children and have beaten them up. But parents can never get angry with their children. It only appears as anger based on the situation and circumstance, but it is truly not anger. They show anger only for the progress of their children. Therefore, we should never assume that parents are angry (with their children). Parents who do have anger are no parents at all. Parents have lot of love in them. It is their limitless love, which nurtures their children.  

Here is a small example. The son (child) comes and he may sometimes make a mistake. The mother then beats him. How does she beat him? She keeps her hand (as a shield) and beats such that there is more sound (than physical impact). But, it looks as though the mother has beaten very hardly. However, the mother is not at all angry with the son. Even the beating is only out of love. Thus, parents who only pretend to be angry should never be regarded as truly getting angry.

Parents always shower love on us (their children). Parents do not have any anger in them. But we think that they are angry. That is your defect and not the defect of the parents. Parents are always forms of love. So long as the love is hidden in them, you are unable to see it. Anger can never take birth in them.

The one full of anger will not be successful in any task and further, he will have so many obstacles on the way. He will be humiliated and scorned at by others. The parents will say Chhee (an expression to indicate one’s disgust), go. But they will not say so to punish the child. The word Chhee is also so sweet. The same word can be uttered in a sweet manner. All these words are spoken out of love and not out of anger. Children should love such parents and protect them (the relationship). Hence, there is no need for children to be angry with their parents. 

02-Parents-children relationship is of Love - Anger & Differences are temporary-2.59-2004 September 18

Parent-Children Relationship is only that of Love

Differences and wrong actions if at all, are noticed among sons and not among the parents. Based upon the situation and circumstance, parents may get angry, but that does not last for a full life time. Therefore, we never have parents who get angry on their children, but we have many children who get angry with their parents. However, that too is only for a short time. When they see their parents feeling very bad, they too feel bad.

Therefore, the only true relationship between parents and children is that of love, everything else is not true. Today, making a big deal of some small anger, we even go to the court. But we speak the truth there. When the judge asks you what the name of your mother is, you tell the name of your mother who is on the other side. She is Eswaramma. Who is Eswaramma? You say, “My mother”. See, there again you say that she is your mother. When you ask the mother as to who is her son, she too will say, “Yellaya or Mallaya” (whatever the name of the son is). By mentioning the name specifically, or by not doing so, he continues to remain the son and she continues to remain the mother. She is the mother and he is the son. Anger is only temporary and not long lasting. We must not destroy our life because of this temporary anger.

Whatever the circumstance may be, we must love our parents. Parents must love their children. The intimate close relationship between the parents and the children is only that of Love.

03-Never get angry with parents-They are verily embodiments of Love-3.08-2004 September 18

Never get angry with your parents

Your anger is your enemy. Your happiness is indeed heaven. Therefore, we must always be happy and never think of being angry. The one full of anger will not be successful in any task. We must take good care of our parents who never truly get angry with us. We must obey their command. Vinayaka is the one who always obeyed his parents’ command. He is said to have no leader above him.

When there is a mistake in the child, the parents may get angry. Vinayaka understood that since his parents would not get angry with him, there can be none else in this world who could get angry with him. Goodness lies in understanding and living by this truth. 

At times, our parents may appear to be angry. But the very next second, they change themselves. Therefore, we should never think that our parents are angry with us. When the son wants to go to a cinema, he will ask for some money. When you are not given the money, you conclude that your mother is angry with you. (You will think) I was not even given money to see a cinema. For this simple reason, you think that your mother is angry with you. You can never assume that your mother is angry because of these simple trivial reasons. But when they have love for you, they will even give their lives and protect you. The children, who get angry with their mother, go to the court too with all hatred. There may be such children, but there can never be parents who get angry. Therefore, it is very essential for children to transform their (wrong) quality and understand that their parents are verily the embodiments of love.     

04-Forbearance of Mother Draupadi-An ideal for all-3.35-2000 May 19

Draupadi's Forbearance was an ideal for all

After the gruesome murder of the Upa-Pandavas (children of the Pandavas), Arjuna tracked Aswathama (the perpetrator of the atrocity) and dragged him (before Draupadi). Draupadi, the consort of the Pandavas, fell at the feet of the wicked Aswathama and enquired:

These children were at home

And did not enter the battlefield;

Nor did they hunt and kill;

They were just tiny tots,

Devoid of all ill feelings.

Why then did you cruelly strike them,

And in the darkness of night slaughter them?

They were the children of Dronacharya’s disciples,

That very same Drona,

Who was also your father and guru.

Can you truthfully declare,

That what you did was right?

(Telugu poem)

Bhima could not bear to see what Draupadi was doing. (Exploding in anger) Bhima roared:

Here is this demon,

Who has slaughtered our children,

And this foolish woman,

Is trying to reason with him!

Should the murderer be spared,

Or dealt with as he deserves?

If no one is willing to punish him,

I shall with bare hands,

Crush him to pulp!

(Telugu poem)

Consumed by fury, most of the Pandavas were about to jump on Aswathama. Draupadi raised her hand and said, “Stop, you should not kill such a person.”

O Phalguna (Arjuna)! It is wrong to kill

One who is afraid,

One whom courage has abandoned,

One who is asleep,

One who is intoxicated,

One who seeks refuge,

And finally, a woman.

(Telugu poem)

“You should not kill Aswathama, for he is your preceptor’s son. Just shave his head as a token punishment and set him free.”

This is how Draupadi reacted to the situation; she did not show the slightest anger towards the one who mercilessly wiped out all her children.

05-Idealism of Mother Draupadi-1999 April 28 (Audio version not available)    

Draupadi protects Aswathama who killed her children!
Image Source

Epics like the Mahabharata and the Bhagavatha and other Bharatiya scriptures expound the spiritual realities. Though Bhima and Arjuna (two brothers among the Pandavas) were seethed with anger and revenge when their sons were killed by Aswathama (son of Dronacharya - the preceptor of the Pandavas and Kauravas), Draupadi pacified them. Though she was grief-stricken at the loss of her children, she maintained a perfect state of equanimity. When Arjuna, in a fit of anger, was ready to kill Aswathama, she quoted the scriptures and changed his mind.

Draupadi was known for her immaculate character. She was also called Panchali. This word is often misinterpreted as a woman married to five men. No, it is not correct. She was able to coordinate the functions of the five cognitive senses: sound, touch, vision, taste, and smell, in an impeccable manner. When Arjuna was about to kill Aswathama, she advised him in the following manner:

Oh Arjuna, it is an unrighteous act to kill -

the one who is fear-stricken,

the one who is in distress,

the one who is asleep,

the one who is unaware,

the one who has surrendered himself,

the one who is helpless,

the one who is unarmed, and

the one who is a female.

[Telugu Poem]

Your speech is full of anger. It is a dangerous trait. No human being should possess anger. The one who is filled with anger achieves nothing but disgrace. Anger motivates one to do evil deeds. Such an individual is despised by everyone. [Telugu Poem]

Bhima was also furious. Draupadi spoke to him thus: Anger destroys one’s riches. It destroys one’s respect. It distances one from relatives. It causes loss of everything. [Telugu Poem]

Aswathama had killed all her five sons. One can imagine the state of her mind. She would have been justified in using the harshest language. But she did not have harsh feelings. She ran and fell at the feet of Aswathama and questioned his ruthlessness in a gentle way:

They didn't wear weapons and rage against you.

They were not in the battlefield.

They didn’t cause you even the least harm.

They were not adept in fighting.

How did you feel like killing such

innocent children who were asleep!

[Telugu Poem]

Draupadi spoke in such a gentle manner. She never used harsh words. Even in moments of extreme distress, Draupadi could speak softly and graciously. In fact every individual should speak softly. What should a man learn today? He should utilize his senses in the right way and thereby make an endeavor to attain Divinity.

A Short Quiz

01-What does Bhagawan say about anger with respect to parent-children relationship?

02-Bhagawan beautifully explains how a mother out of love, appears to be beating her child, though it is only an expression of love. Narrate the same.

03-What was the magnanimous act of forbearance shown by Draupadi when her young children were killed by Aswathama? What were the questions that she put forth to Aswathama?

04-Draupadi advised Arjuna about the eight ways of killing, which have been declared to be unrighteous by the scriptures. List these eight ways of killing.

Part-III of this post has clearly explained how the relationship between parents and children is only one of love. Anger and differences, if any, are only apparent and for the welfare of the children. Next, watch out for the final Part-IV of this post, wherein Bhagawan explains this aspect of anger in God-Devotee relationships. Read Part-IV